Lo Mein and Gatoraid

A tasty dinner after being gone from my new home for 3 days :)

I sit here and listen to the soothing tones of The Killers till my unnerving J-Pop kicks in. I hit the skip button to find something more suitable to my current mood. No luck. Again I hit the button and settle on "What's This?" from Nightmare Before Christmas. I have become quite attached to this wonderful apartment. This space that I get to call my home.

I can't help but laugh at this childish nature of "mine". I have this sly smile and a slightly satisfied feeling of happiness at something that is "mine". Even in the reminder of God's gifts in my life and how none of this is truly "mine" I like being able to call that.

I laugh out loud at the first line of "Tell It To Me" by Old Crow Medicine Show awaiting the chorus of the song.

I'm giddy at the thought of being home for a few days. Like the excitement of coming home from college and planning who all to visit. I still have to focus on getting a new driver's license, a new phone charger and doing some more job hunting. Somewhere in there I'm gonna knock out a painting too! Despite my "Bachelor's Party" being moved back a week I'm excited for this weekend. Spending time with my lady, checking out a local church, going to grandma's for lunch and hanging with the kids will make this a very fun time.

So I wrap this up to Chet Baker singing "Let's Get Lost". Have a good night all you hip cats and smooth ladies ;)

Wanderlust...not so much.

I like to move, not everything I own, but just my own person. I like to dance and act goofy; I like to jump in the car and go places at random; I like to be away exploring. This has not been true as of late.

I think I am in a new season of life. One where being where I want to be is quite difficult. I have taken a job that keeps me on the go. Last week I was in Lumberton, Whiteville, and Rocky Mount. This week I will be off overnight to Greenville and Jacksonville. (All locations mentioned are in North Carolina.) As I have taken this job I also have just started to settle into a new apartment. I am so happy to feel a little settled and not have to live between the spare bedrooms of my parents' houses. Along with actually making use of my day planner now, I have started to establish this feeling of a set regimen.

I searched the term "wanderlust" to see what it really means. I've used it and wanted to make sure I had it right. The interesting part was not in the definition, which in the modern english it connotates a desire for frequent travel (ha! I was using it right), but instead in the true German term Fernweh. Fernweh is "an ache for the distance." I have quite the opposite desire. I long for the closeness. The comfort of family, a set place of work, a familiar bed, seeing friends on a regular basis are the things I desire. The German for that is Heimweh, which is homesickness.

My last blog referenced C.S. Lewis and his thoughts on how our worldly desires are more deeply rooted in our longings for something beyond this world. This has become a bit of a preoccupation of mine, looking for what my desires here and now are really supposed to tell me. In that respect, I want that closeness and comfort. The ability to be out in the desert, in the hands of my enemies, sleeping in the storm, rag wearing and locust eating and be completely happy in the hands of my God. That though I travel I am at home as my God is with me and I no longer have this heimweh. I pray that as things change I don't forget my anchor when the storm tosses me a bit. I also pray that over the coming months as I establish a family and a home that my foundation is sure. I cannot control the things of this world, but I can control my reaction, and I want my first reaction to be that I hit my knees. For those of you who are people of faith, I ask for your support. Also pray this as a general for those that aren't of the faith.

I am a quite immature in my faith, but like the adolescent, I want to be older than I am. I have to trust in God's timing and wisdom. Pray for our heimweh, that we may find it.

29 days till...

So, I have yet to be reprimanded for my lack of comment on my relationship status, but I feel that today was worth an update. We (Jess my fiance and myself) have become one step closer to being able to fill out the "married" box on our tax forms. As a matter of fact, this one step has put us under the 30 day mark. I may not be able to express just how excited I am over this, but I will try:

Almost 9 years of longing to find in the past year exactly what I was longing for. At first I thought that I longed for Jess herself, and later I thought I longed for the relationship. These longings then made me long for simple acceptance. Where I am now, though, is that I am longing for an opportunity. Now, I realize there are many opportunities that I have seized and many others that have been generously given. This is one that has been given. I have been given the opportunity to have an earthly relationship that allows me to mimic the romantic relationship I am coming to know with God. A chance to show that even when I'm hurt I have someone to trust and go to. Someone that can love me with blunt honesty and soothing words. A person that God has placed in my life that I can pour out my love from Him to her.

I'll stop there and go ahead and state that I do not believe Jess to be God incarnate or the second coming. Yet I do believe her to be as every other person, a tarnished reflection of who God is. As C.S. Lewis states in "The Weight of Glory" it is not the things here on this earth that bring us happiness and joy; instead, the things we enjoy point us, guide us, and even reflect the light as a shiny-dangly thing to the Source of Goodness.

Jess, thank you. Thank you for being that reminder of God's goodness in my life. In the plans we make for our family you have reminded me of the goodness I experienced growing up. In our discussions of jobs and work you remind me of the gifts God has placed in me. In the times you get onto me for not doing all I could you remind me there is a higher purpose designed for me. For every time you say "I love you" you show me that there is a source of Love, one that has filled you up so much that you choose to share it with me.

In return, let me be that same shiny-dangly thing reflecting the light when I say, I love you.

Yes, I realize this is in a public domain as well. With that in mind, remember that there is a source of Goodness. Not just niceties and warm-fuzzy feelings, but a source of Truth and Love. With the love of Christ Jesus, the Father, and the Holy Spirit...I Love you, too.